Rotary Club of Eaglehawk / Jokes

Jokes from Our Sergeant

Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"


A GOOD ACT
A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

FOOTY V MATHS
A school football coach walked into the changing room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed maths, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a maths question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

SEXIST FACTORY
In a small country town, there is a rather sizable factory that employs only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, hard to manage...or what?" "Not at all, Madam," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

VERY FRIENDLY FRIENDS
A sailor came home from a two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

ONE LINERS
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.
Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

ANOTHER AVID GOLFER STORY
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

MAKE-UP OPPORTUNITIES
Bendigo-Strathdale – Tuesday 6 pm for 6.30pm – All Seasons International
Bendigo Sandhurst – Wednesday 7 am for 7.30am – BRIT Restaurant
Kangaroo Flat – Monday 6 pm for 6.30pm – Rotary Gateway Park
Bendigo South – Thursday 6 pm for 6.30pm – Foundry Hotel
Bendigo – Tuesday 12.45pm for 1pm – Bendigo Club